Mada Boku Niwa Sukui Ga Arisou?

9:29PM - Birthdays...

Well, it's safe to say I'm not looking forward to my birthday this year.

I made the decision of never wanting to see my former-aunt and her gawd-awful son again moths ago. Somehow the idiotic bitch has gotten it in her head that she's invited to my birthday. Who the hell does she think she is anyway? If it were my mother's goddamned birthday it'd be one thing, but this is my birthday, she has no right to show up to begin with!

So my mother comes up with this argument that 'this is her house and not mine' and I say 'It may be your house but it's my birthday'. So my mother comes up with the idea to cancel my birthday entirely and for me to tell my former-aunt that. Whatever. I'll arrange for my guests to get something to eat/drink myself then. My best friend and girlfriend are both coming over. Perhaps another friend and possibly a friend of my girlfriends (she's allowed to if she feels like it). My other friends etc. will probably stick to e-mails/random visits/calls, everyone's so friggin' busy as of late. Can't really blame them.

So yeah. Happy birthday to me :/

Current mood: blank

3:02PM - Dress - warning, language...as usual

Well, I just bought a new dress for this party I'm supposed to go to on the 26th. It's a fancy dress for this big black-tie party.
My mother and I were supposed to go together but for some reason she felt like inviting a friend of hers along.

Now she's surprised I'm upset. Why am I upset? My mother and I were supposed to go together. Not her and her friend for fuck's sake!
And she wonders why I'm upset? I just bought my first fucking prom-dress and I had to tag along like a third wheel. Her friend is about my age so my mother seems to believe the two of us should be able to 'be friends'. It doesn't change the fact that she's my mom's friend - not mine - and that it was my first fucking prom-dress.

Besides the fact that to me this was an important mother/daughter thing, her friend told me - not asked but fucking told - to go to a specific store while I had selected a store to go to days ago. I don't want to look like a fucking whore on a high-school prom! If I wanted to go to a goddamn store like that I would have picked it days ago! So yeah, once we got to the store I wanted to go to I told them that this was the place where I'd be going. Naturally the tag-along had a comment about this 'not being a good store'. Again if I wanted to look like a 5 dollar prostitute in a skimpy dress I would have picked a different store.

To make matters worse, that fucking tag-along was stupid enough to take the bus to our place while we were supposed to meet in the city. Meaning I had to stand around for over 30 minutes waiting for that STUPID CUNT! So besides being harassed by some creep who wanted me to 'model' for him I had to wait in the cold in a skirt - I was wearing the shoes that were supposed to go with my dress - while waiting for them to finally show up.

So yeah, I don't know why I had hopes of ever establishing an actual bond with my mother. I really don't. Spending as much as ten minutes alone with me is apparently  too fucking much for her. Yeah, ten minutes is all it took. I wasn't in the mood to even be cheerful at getting to wear a beautiful dress, I'm not a 'girlish-girl' by all means so when I do feel like doing 'girlish' things it's pretty important to me. How nice of my mother not to pick up that message after having 'known' me for 22 years.

But what was I expecting anyway. My mother doesn't know who my best friend is, she doesn't know my favorite food, she doesn't know my favorite color, hell, she doesn't even know the name of my first boyfriend - and I haven't had that many because I tend to be serious in a relationship.

The one thing that makes things even worse, she asked me what was wrong when we went home. After TELLING her I didn't want her friend to come along both yesterday evening and this morning AND through text before we were supposed to meet up I'd imagine she would have figured at least that out by now. Again, what was I expecting. I should have known better than to get my hopes up.

Please remind me that when and if I actually get married and need to go shopping for a wedding dress, not to take her along. I can just picture her bringing my former aunt along. She'd be low enough to do it too.

Current mood: disappointed

7:27PM - Update

Well, I started my internship a little while back and things have been going great there. I sometimes feel like an idiot for not being able to accomplish specific tasks by myself but I keep reminding myself that that's what I'm learning for. Experience comes with time supposedly.

Regardless my internship couldn't be more awesome, I was supposed to join my 'teacher' today for an interview. Unfortunately the bus decided to skip out on duty today, and judging from the fact that it only leaves once an hour I had no other choice but to stay at home.

On a further note, I just heard that my grandfather was diagnosed with lung cancer. I'm not really surprised to realize I don't even give a flying fuck about it. He's a heavy smoker and refused to give that up even after the doctor warned him over 10 times that this was what was going to happen. I've always said that smoking is a choice someone makes, in my opinion everyone is free to make said choice - even kids if they feel the need to 'impress' their peers - but I'm not about to pity the consequences smoking brings. Not even in the slightest. Again that was the choice HE made, not mine.

So yeah, I just got accused of being 'cold and calm' about the situation while my 'poor grandfather is dying'. This from the mother who didn't bother to listen to my other aunt - the one I do kind of like - about the details. Sure, I can imagine my mother not wanting to talk to a woman she hates, but you'd imagine she'd be able to put her differences aside for this. In my opinion it says something about my former-aunt too, the sister my mother is supposedly so 'close' to only called like 10 minutes ago. She had to hear it from the one person who technically speaking doesn't owe my mother a thing, where was her 'favorite sister' then? At least my other aunt actually bothered to tell her her FATHER is sick.

As for the dying part, we don't really know anything about the severity of the situation - we'll supposedly hear tomorrow - so why say he's dying already? Lung cancer is a horrible but treatable disease. Oh well, it's not like I give a flying fuck to begin with. Funny how I feel more upset about missing the interview than this recent mess :/

Current mood: apathetic

Current music: None

6:29PM - Family part 3

Well, it's safe to say things calmed down between me and my mother. Regardless of the fact that the entire fight with my former aunt hurt her feelings pretty badly, she was mature about it. She was the one that invited them knowing I would either refuse to talk to them or would start shouting, I didn't appreciate my former aunt making my mother feel guilty about herself though. But that's the way that no good bitch works, she feels the need to be important to others and will go through any lengths to make sure they continue to need her in the future.

But apparently this (now dubbed so by many) personal soap-serie hasn't ended yet. My grandfather ended up sending a christmass card specifically to my mother and as you can guess my name wasn't on it. At all. So whatever, I'm not going to bother even trying to explain the situation to him anymore. I don't really care if he just forgot to add my name, my former aunt influenced him or if he decided this all on his own, I simply don't care anymore. When I made the decision to no longer accept my aunt and her bratty son as relatives I vowed to myself to stop fighting for attention within the 'family ranks'. If my grandfather feels like believing my former aunt/former cousin without even as much as calling to hear my side of the story and not even as much as bothering to write my name on a stinking card, then that's fine.

One less seat to reserve at my graduation and again a whole shitload of stress I don't need dissapears.

On a positive note, stress had me gain some serious weight as of late. I'm back to my original weight and doing fine :)
Regardless of everything I feel better than ever ^^

Oooooooooooh! And guess what! I'm spending Christmass over at my girlfriends place ^_^

Current mood: bouncy

Current music: Typing

9:37PM - Family part 2

It's safe to say things haven't improved between me and my mother.
It doesn't matter what I say, she apparently believes my cousins and her sister's word over anything I say.

To make matters worse somehow she seems to believe I'll be kicked out of school for some unexplainable reason. It's nice to have a parent believe in you right? *cough*sarcasm*cough* As a matter of fact school has been more than fine, I'm getting good grades and I'm not in trouble with my teachers and/or classmates. So I have absolutely no idea as to why she would say something like that. But whatever, if she doesn't even believe in my capabilities when it comes to my education, she can go fuck herself. She's most defenitely not welcome at graduation and neither is the rest of my family (except maybe my grandpa).

Well, it's safe to say I've been growing increasingly depressed again. It's gotten to the point that I don't even feel like getting up in the morning. I don't feel like doing anything as of late unless it somehow allows me a brief escape from reality, reading, painting, gaming etc. Problem is I keep thinking about my problems even when I'm trying to let it all go and nothing that usually gives me comfort seems to be helping.

I did meet a really nice girl like I more or less said in my previous post. She's a bit younger than me, but it's ok. I'm really comfortable with her and I like her family (as far as I'm familiar with them that is). I plan on spending my christmas over at my new inlaws just to get away from my family. Funny how I absolutely adore my new girlfriend and inlaws and I can't even share that with my own mother? She seems to believe that gay (and lesbian) people are somehow disfigured or ill and that they date people from their own sex because of it. Yet somehow bisexual (or pansexual in my case) people are sick and twisted andthey apparently completely disgust her. So yeah, I'm falling for someone and I can't tell my mom because for some reason I just see her blaming me dating a girl as me being rebelious and doing it just to spite her or something like that. I don't want my girlfriend to suffer because of my mother's incapabilities of seeing things without putting herself in as the main subject and I don't feel like getting kicked out of a house where a large part of the expensive stuff was bought by me.

Oh. I forgot to mention my mother's poor spending habits cause her to end up flat broke at the end of the year? Trust me, she's NOT good at handling money. In all of my life I have never crossed my budget even once, I'm good at calculating my expenses and I don't need anyone to pitch in finacially. My mother on the other hand never saves up, spends money on the most useless of things and ends up complaining about how the world is unfair to her. Funny how she recently got offered a better job but refused to go to the manager training because she thought it was 'too far away'. Clearly a double salary wasn't worth a 2 hour trip to a training location. She needs to get her fucking priorities straight if you ask me. Why complain about not having accomplished something in life and how it's always someone else's fault while she's the one who refuses to put in any goddamn effort when it comes to improving her life? She does nothing but complain, she never sees the good in others or in herself (though I'm starting to doubt if there's any good in that woman myself), she constantly finds some way of talking me into another fit if depression and she gets violent to match.

So yeah, things have been growing worse, but I'll manage. I managed to get this far already, I mean I'm in lawschool (which I'm paying for myself), I have a wonderful girlfriend (whom is into yaoi too XP), I'm doing good in school and I've got several very loyal friends who try to be there for me as much as I can. Not to mention I got lucky when it came to my inlaws, they're really great people from what I've seen :)

Oh and did I mention I found out about this new school for private detectives? As soon as I finish my current one I'll defenitely start there. That specific education (more like a brief class and training in order to get my license) is exaclty what I want to do! Imagine, me being a really real detective, one of our training thingies is about following people without getting seen and there's another about installing bugs and stuff!  :)

Enough if me whining. I'm off to go paint something ^^

Current mood: apathetic

Current music: Random Linkin Park songs

11:38PM - Family...

Well, I haven't used this thing in ages and when I finally do...surprise...it's another rant.

The most unbelievable (in a negative way) thing happened to me last Friday. My cousin and I more or less traditionally go to a horror amusement park around Halloween and this year was no different. As a matter off act, he suggested we should bring people along to make it even more entertaining.

After a lot of complicated arrangements I managed to convince the girl I'm dating to bring along a friend of hers so we'd have 4 people going rather than having just three and one person constantly having to sit alone. When this second girl turned out to be a 'plain' looking girl my absolute jackass of a cousin apparently didn't think she was 'date-worthy' and started to exclude himself from the group. Once we finally managed to walk to the first ride he 'magically' dissappeared. I called him about 6 times, send him a text and left a message in his voice-mail. As you have probably already guessed, no answer. I spent fifteen minutes looking for him till my date and her friend convinced me he was an adult (only in the legal way I can assure you) and after about ten minutes of standing in line I finally received a text from him with some bullshit excuse about the mother of some friend being in critical condition and said friend standing around the park entrance waiting for him. How do I know it's bullshit? Stick around and you'll see.

I answered the text saying it'd take 30 minutes for us to get out of the line whereass we were standing in the middle of it and there was no way to simply walk back out. After getting of the ride the three of us walked towards the entrance and no sign of my cousin. He texted again about leaving with that friend to go see that 'sick' mother in the hospital and I was furious to say the least. (Again you'll understand soon enough) Regardless me, my date and her friend refused to let this spoil our evening and we had fun.

What happened next however had me baffled - for lack of better terms. My cousin apparantly made it home around 7. Now here's an easy little calculation for you. If he left around five to take the only possible form of public transportation (which only arrives once every half hour) and the entire trip to his home would take to full hours at least was it possible for him to go all the way to a hospital several miles away to visit someone with a friend whom no one had ever heard of? The answer is no obviously. Meaning he lied.

Though I'm not much one for 'telling' on someone, I had my mother tell my aunt about this and not feeling like having an arguement I decided not to go along today when my mom went to visit my cousin's mother. And yes you guessed it. Somehow this entire situation is automatically my fault and I'm childish and regardless of it being entirely impossible my cousin is supposedly telling the truth. Why? Because he's a guy. Yes seriously, my family apparently believes that the women in our family are completely worthless. Or any other woman for that matter because apparently the two people I had with me are 'on my side' in this matter and can't be trusted. This regardless of the fact that I had never met my date's friend before in my entire life, heck, I don't even know the girl's last name.

This having been the millionth time my cousin has been allowed to get away with something like this (and worse I can assure you) I decided to end this entire situation once and for all. I made the firm decision to break things off with that part of the family entirely and yes I'm dead serious about it. I don't feel like being looked at as worthless and useless simply because I was born without a dick. I'm sick and tired of not being taken seriously and humiliated by them and I'm not taking it any longer.

So yes, my mother is once again in a particulary foul mood and went to bed without even as much as saying thank you for doing all sorts of chores around the house. I really don't care anymore though, I'm fed up with it and deleting every form of contact like phonenumbers and e-mailadresses has never felt this therapeutic before. Goodbye family life and hello start of a new period in my life, personally I'm just glad that it's finally over now, even if I did have to take the drastic approach and breaking off all ties.

11:22PM

Oooooooooooooooh me nearly forgot!
I got Photoshop CS2 recently!

I'm very VERY happy with it.
My coloring/shading days have never seen brighter days XD

I've been practising with it ever since I got home X3

Current mood: artistic

Current music: Death Note OST nr.1 A heart-attack

11:10PM - How's my life been so far

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, I've forgotten to actually use my LJ for LJ-ing rather then hanging around communities, so here I am posting a message ^w^

Current mood: artistic

Current music: Red hot chili peppers - dani california (death note theme)

1:04AM - eggies X3

A topic dvoted solely to eggs!
Why?
Because I feel like it!













http://funnyheck.com/eggsong.html

Enjoy!

Current mood: cynical

Current music: MEHEHEHHEHEHEHEEHEHE!

1:05PM - GAWD! I'm annoyed!

I just walked up the friggin' stairs to get to class, since I don't want to be late. This JACKASS from school starts this conversation with me about being late too much. I was late 2 fucking times without it being my own goddamn fault!

So there I am, trying to explain things and he starts chatting up on how it's not responsible. Why the FUCK is he bothering me about being late? First of all he's not my goddamn teacher, or anything. Second, he doesn't even know the fucking reason I was late!

I mean fuck! What. A . Jackass.
Go bother someone who's failing, or skipping school -_-

It's not as if I'm the only one who's late, I know people who are late all the time. Why bug me? GAWD I'M PISSED!
*strangles random person* >[

Current mood: pissed off

Current music: Typing, me grumbling

6:50PM - ........

Right now I just don't know what to do anymore.
After many years of fighting I just feel like giving up.

I didn't think much about my life anymore and tried to make the best of what I have right now.

Today was just a fucking turning point in my life.

I feel like I'm goddamn choking.
I haven't cried in years. Gawd my face hurts X3
I just don't know what to do anymore.

The only thing left for me to do is to get a job in the weekend and get the hell out of here while I still can.
But that's going to take time. Time I just don't have right now.
I'm going to talk to my grandfather tommorrow..I think. About staying with him for a while.
So no internet for me for a while.

I'm starting to act suicidal again, which is a major bad sign. Like five minutes ago I grabbed a kitchen nife and put it to my wrist.
Said wrist is still burning....
I just don't know what to do anymore.
For the first time in my life I actually WANT help, yet there's no-one reaching out. Like usual.
I just want it to be over, ya know?
I can't pretend I'm happy anymore, lying through life just isn't gonna cut it anymore.

I need to get out of here

5:32PM - WTF? Kishimoto really IS gay?

I was doing some reading for my SasuNaru fanfic, when I stumbled upon this...

( ZOMG! )

Current mood: accomplished

Current music: Gackt-Vanilla

8:54PM - An amusing day

Upon walking outside today while visiting a sick friend I ran into one of the most amusing scenes ever...

( naruto lolness... )

Current mood: amused

Current music: stephen lynch-dear penis

7:27PM - Of jobnesses and weirdly behaving mothers

Yeah, those that know me a little better might know I more or less applied for a job for the newly created school newspaper. Well, me got tah job!

( piccyness and mini-rant )

Current mood: bitchy

Current music: Mah PC

7:51PM - Of being sick and bitchy mothers -_-

As people have realised by now, my new chapter for my fanfic 'Of Samurai and Shinobi' is late yet again.
I come bearing a reason............and a rant.......as usual -.-


( rantage )

Current mood: sick

Current music: My head pounding away

10:13PM - The battle that is my life AKA More arguing -_-

Yeah, me bitching yet AGAIN...

( getting sick of me yet? X3 )

Current mood: aggravated

Current music: mah mom bitching

5:42PM

Yeah, practising manga screen tone usageness X3

( manga ness )

Current mood: artistic

Current music: TV - Commercial -_-

12:21AM - Aunts/Cousins

Yeah, me ranting again...>.>

( Cut-ness )

Current mood: annoyed

Current music: Me typing

11:16PM - AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

I'm SOOOOOOOOO friggin' pissed right now! ><

Had yet another argument with my mother. Prepare for major language -_-

( rant... )

Current mood: aggravated

Current music: Me typing

6:10PM

Got it from maruneko

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong

Current mood: bitchy

Current music: My mom bitching -_-